Say Goodbye to Abusive People - Fast

Sukha Shine

Saying goodbye to emotionally abusive people by learning to spot them quickly is an essential life skill. It is so important that you don’t connect to them, so the faster you spot their tricks the easier it is to get them out of your life. It is important to trust your instincts and if someone makes you feel uncomfortable take note and listen to the warning bells.

Emotional abusers are very good at tangling you up in their lives, making it very difficult to get them out or for you to leave them, and even if you are not living together they have a way of being very involved in what you do very quickly, so be aware of the 10 points below and it will help you identify them quickly.

1. They are like chameleons and they lie.

Emotionally abusive people lie to themselves and to others. They say one thing and mean another. Their behaviours do not match their intentions. Their words do not match their actions. They cleverly use lies to make you doubt your own sanity. They change with their circumstances. Since they do not have a fixed sense of self, they adjust according to what most serves their self-interest at the time. They think they are being smart by cheating people, rather than realising that they are exhibiting the worst quality of human nature. If you feel taken aback by things a new contact is saying to you, listen to your instincts and do not develop the relationship further.

2. Their insults are personal attacks.

Emotionally abusive people push buttons. Once they know your vulnerabilities and secrets, they will use them against you. They win arguments by using personal insults to divert from the real problems that they are causing. This can quickly dent your self-esteem, creating still more self-doubt. In a relationship with a friend or a partner you should feel supported, nourished and cared for. If you are not feeling like this then this is not a relationship for you. Seek people that make you feel ‘like you belong’. And don’t forget the emotionally abusive partner can simulate this at the beginning of the relationship but you will still pick up the other signals and that is what you have to listen to.

3. They use affection conditionally.

Emotionally abusive people shower you with attention one day, and then withhold it the next. They make you feel really special, and then act like you mean nothing to them. Often starts with not replying and turning their back to you. This behaviour is a massive warning sign as this behaviour can be the signal of worse to come further into the relationship. If you feel an erosion of your self-esteem and sense of self-worth even to the smallest level, get help, tell a friend, go to your family.

4. They resort to emotional blackmail.

Emotionally abusive people will stoop low and emotionally blackmail people to get their way. If you do what pleases them, they are happy. If you disagree with them, they become angry. They will demand, threaten, and place you in a difficult position such that you have no choice but to succumb. It simply becomes easier to meet their requirements than continually doing battle with them. It’s exhausting and the start of a vicious cycle in which you have no energy left to take action to protect yourself.

5. They are manipulative and lack empathy.

Emotionally abusive people are manipulative, they will use guilt and obligation to control you. They will take advantage of your kindness, generosity, sympathy or sense of duty, and use it to their favour. If you don’t do what they want they will use your kindness to make you feel you’ve let them down and don’t care about them. They will make you feel like the bad guy. Their lack of empathy to the horrid way they make you feel is staggering. Since they are narcissistic and insecure, they are not in touch with their feelings. They dissociate from their own emotions and cause drama in other’s lives. This internal disconnect manifests in external indifference and acts of callousness and cruelty. You are not meant to feel like this. You are meant to be happy with your lot. If you are crying a lot, or want to cry a lot, this is not normal or acceptable. Consult your doctor who will help you find a support group or counsellor.

6. They will blame you for their actions.

Emotionally abusive people will push the blame of their erratic actions and unpredictable behaviours onto you. They will act like you are the dominating and abusive one. You will start to question your own memory, because they will deny the truth, and circumvent around it to save their own face. They will make you feel that if you comply they will be nice so its your fault that they are not. Once again if you feel this in anyway go and talk to someone now before that connection gets too strong.

7. They are superficially charming.

It seems that very often they are incredibly passionate, romantic and attentive in the early days, they are ‘everything you ever dreamed of in a partner’, this regrettably is common and is what causes this early strong connection. They know how to capture your heart. You think you have found your life partner, your best friend and they seem to have it all together. Until suddenly the small things start to creep in and since they are not in touch with their own faults and weaknesses, they are judgmental, and act like they are superior to others, spot this judgmental behaviour early, usually gentle criticism in the beginning such as ‘the food isn’t perfectly cooked or cooked to their liking’ ‘you’ve not hoovered properly’ and so on, spot this quickly and you’ll save yourself a great deal of pain.

8. They are narcissistic.

We can describe emotionally abusive people as self-absorbed, they are deluded with irrational ideas of their own specialness and grandeur. They are narcissistic, and use other people for their entertainment and pleasure. Don’t be kind to people like this. Be a truth teller, stand there and see the truth and speak it, right from the word go in relationships, if the relationship can’t bear this then it is not the one for you. They won’t be able to manipulate you if you follow this practice right from the start. Call them out. Then get out.

9. They live in self-denial and are emotionally damaged.

Often secretly insecure they will cover up this feeling of unworthiness by acting like they are better than others. They do not have the courage to face their true selves and live in denial. Often manipulators pick on people who are not confident, who have a lot of self-doubt but are essentially kind and good hearted. Why? much easier to get what they want. If that describes you and you are feeling uncomfortable about a new friend or a recent partner, trust your instincts and get out of there. These people are emotionally damaged, you cannot help them, don’t be dragged in to trying to ‘fix’ them. The only person you can actually help is yourself, so lead by example, strengthen your boundaries, and do not engage with them.

10. They drain your energy with their toxic company.

Any interactions with them once you are passed the fairy tale beginning will leave you feeling emotionally drained. They rationalise their irrational behaviours so cleverly… and yet … it doesn’t quite stack up. Whatever you do you have to understand that you will never think or rationalise like them so please do not get caught up explaining the loopholes of their faulty logic. Don’t waste your time ‘trying to make them understand’. Emotionally abusive people are toxic and you should not try to change, cure or fix them. It is not your job to educate or enlighten them, if they are unwilling to see the error in their ways. It is simply your job to leave them.

Further Resources: TED TALK

READ: Why Does He Do That? By Lundy Bancroft